Love Letters for Malfoy
by Kay Jones
Summary: " Simply Hilarious! " Says the Daily Prophet " Move over Martha, Malfoy has charm and collective sense!" Cheers the Witches Weekly " I loved having someone help me on my love life!" says 5th year Percy Weasley. " I love him" says famous Harry Pottter


___________________Disclaimer: READ FIRST ____________________________________  
  
I came across this idea on a rainy Friday night, underneath an umbrella with my Fanfic girls. Much giggling went on before I decided to actually put these stories down in writing. Thus we created a girly home décor specialist with an Austin Powers alternative named Malfoy. It was perfect. I do not own any of these characters nor do I even own stock in them.  
  
For The Brass Girls, may Arwen's light never go out!  
  
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Deep in the Bowls of the Other Chamber of Secrets sits the delectable Malfoy. Lounging in a scantly leather chair. Our dear Slytherin is here to answer you, the reader's, questions of Love, Life, and Fashion. Yes, you heard right, fashion. Malfoy is not only, all knowing, but he has fabulous sense in décor and season style. So now, sit back and relax, and listen for your questions to finally be answered.  
  
*fad in* Hello, Welcome to "Love Letters for Malfoy".*smiles* that's me. Today we have a few new letters from you.our reader. We also have a special treat, a secret guest star will appear later on and show us how to turn your stone quarters to a lavish plush.COLORFUL extravaganza. Mwhaha. Now, our first letter comes from a first year Gryffindor. Grrrr baybee. love those spunky Gryffindors, great in the sack.yeahhh.  
  
" Dear Malfoy, I like an older man. I haven't seen him, is that bad? We have been communicating over a magic book and he wants to move on to a bigger level of our relationship. Something about my soul.Should I peruse him? -Ginny."  
  
Well Ginny, mwhaha. Sounds like you have a fling with non-other then the Dark Lord in his former sexier self. Grrr!!! How I envy you baybeee!! I say drop that book and let him take your soul. It'll be a far better ride then that of Harry. I should know.mwahaha. I have pictures of the prodigy boy if it doesn't work out with this book boy. If you want to see them I'm available on Thursdays 6-9, book ahead I'm very busy. *clears throat* Now, our next letter comes from one of our very own teachers. It reads:  
  
" Dear Malfoy, How do I get a certain head master to notice my nature feminine touch? I've already tried poisoning his soup and locking him in a closet lined with naked pictures of myself. But non has worked. How can I get that pouncy ol' git to know I exist. Dire need- Madame Sprout."  
  
Well.Ew.. Sprouty. The naked pictures have definitely effected our Headmaster. Why just last week I saw him curling his beard and mumbling about Snape liking it; "that way" If I were you, I'd crawl out of the dirt baby, and slide into some nice netting and leather. Nothing says, "bewitch me" like a dominatrix ensemble. Grrr!!!!! YEAH! Moving on, OooooOOoooo. My next letter, dear reader, is from a very own .cat. It reads;  
  
" Meow, Malwoy, Mewo mah Rowr Rwo gr. Mewo Mew Merw mer Rowrrrrrrr. Mew Mew, Ron, Mewo Rrr hisss? Mewshanks."  
  
Meowww to that baybee. Well Crockshanks, if you want to get that little rat to notice you then pouncy on him baby! Just do it! Quit the glaring and the hissing, that nasty approach is SO last season. If you have any more trouble and that pouncing fails. Heavens forbid! Go for the owner! If you want some personal one-on-one training see me, I'm available on Thursdays 6-9, book ahead I'm very busy. And remember; you go Pussy cat Yeahh!!! *clear throat* Well dear reader it's time to introduce our special guest speaker. Give a warm hiss and hump to The Basilisk! *claps as snake comes slithering in wearing Gucci Snake Suit and large sunglasses, he has a 'ssss' accent *  
  
Hello dear friend, your looking smashing a usual.  
  
Bassie: No no, Malfoy you look ssso sssexy. Yesss  
  
Well I do try. Now, I know how that awful incident went with Harry, even though he is so Do-able! Bassie: Yessss, and now I am Foreverr ssstuck wearing thessse sssunglassses. They are rather sssleak nay? Oh that's what I said to my bed ssslave last night. He's sssuch a feisssty one. Hissssss  
  
Indeed, Now Basilisk.  
  
Bassie: Please call me Bassie, it makes me feel more Feminine.  
  
Of course I'd have it no other way, yeah Mwahha! Here we are in this dreadful Other Chamber of Secrets, how do you suppose we start on decorating? Humm? Our dear readers need to know!  
  
Bassie: Well, Firsst I'd start with adding color. HummHUMMM. You can never have enough. Ssspecially with such a dark environment, a light yellow or perhapsss a red would surly liven thiss place RIGHT UP! If color isn't your thing, then a few lamps and lightsss would create a very shaggable atmosphere indeed. Hissss.  
  
Oh wow! You are a master!  
  
Bassie: Thanksss you.  
  
No no, thank you Bassie for coming out and giving our poor readers a change in mood décor. If you want to reach me for some tea and sex- I mean snacks, I'm available on Thursdays 6-9, book ahead I'm very busy.  
  
Bassie: of Courssse! Any thing, any time baby Kisssess! Bye!!! Hisss  
  
* He leaves and Malfoy crosses his legs*  
  
Well reader look at this we still have time for two more letters! *cheering* Lets get it on. Our next letter comes from a touchy hairy man, it reads;  
  
" De'r Malfoy, I think I lik'er. She aboot three yea'rs old'er than me, bout I love'r. Howev'r she is er animal. Is that o-k? Er.an if so, is it physssly possible to mat'e with'er?? hagrrid"  
  
Well my poor grammar giant. Besides from the fact that it is impossible to mate physically with a creature, there's nor reason why you shouldn't try! Yeahh!!!! As far as offspring goes, try seeing a lab for that. I hear they work miracles baybeee!!! *Shudders* Moving on, sadley, our last letter comes from a Ravenclaw. It reads;  
  
" Dear weirdo, I'm popular and so popular that it seems I've taken up some stalkers. He's tried to talk to me and almost touched me last week in the hallway! Like, EW! It's gone too far, how do I get this child to feck off..er.nicely? Help! -Cho 3"  
  
Well my pretty little powder puff, this boy seems like a real hair hassle! Have you tried a "bug off" charm? No? Then I recommend this fabulous book I discovered in the library. Check out " Ew Go away! A guide to get them off your back" However, if you want some one-on-one help *wink wink * I'm available on Thursdays 6-9, book ahead I'm very busy.  
  
Well all you swinging Cats and Kittens, that's all the time we have for this session, do join me next time for "Love Letters for Malfoy".that's me. And remember: Pink never will go with red. Thank you and goodnight!  
  
*fad out* 


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